Children Navigating Transitions

From bedtime to baby siblings and everything in between

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In a recent post I mentioned something about one of my kids having struggled with transitions for period a time. As an aside I said I could do a whole post about children and transitions. The wonderful

Kiya Taylor

, who writes Promoted to Mother (highly recommend) wrote in the comments that she was looking forward to that eventual post. Well, today here it is!

There’s a saying that goes, “how you do anything is how you’ll do everything.” When it comes to children handling transitions this rings true more often than not. After observing children for nearly two decades in school settings and living with my own children for the last 12 years, I’ve seen that children who have the capacity to handle small transitions throughout the day are often more skilled at handling bigger life transitions. Alternatively, children who struggle with small transitions often struggle far more when life demands adaptation to new circumstances. And fortunately, children who struggle with small transitions, and by extension large ones, can get better at them with support and practice.

Before we dive into this topic in earnest, it might be helpful get on the same page regarding what kinds of transitions children commonly navigate. Specifically, I’d like to give some examples of small, medium and large transitions, as well as my rationale for these categorizations.

Small Transitions:

• Leaving the house to go to school/coming home from school

• Sitting down to a meal/ending mealtime

• Turning off a screen

• Leaving the park

• Getting ready for bed

• Experiencing change of seasons

In general I think of small transitions as shifts in activity that unfold within the context of a familiar routine as well as with familiar attachment figures. They do not involve separation from a caregiver, nor separation from familiar routines.

Medium Transitions:

• Going to bed

• Getting dropped off or picked up from school

• Going on a family vacation

• Getting dropped off or picked up from a playdate/birthday party

• Having a parent or sibling go out of town

• Longer changes in routine (Hello, Spring Break!)

I’m categorizing these as medium transitions because they involve either a shift in routine, OR a shift in attachment figures (separation), but not both at the same time.

In the case of going to bed, children are experiencing a prolonged separation from a parent, assuming they sleep in their own bed. When children are dropped off or picked up from school, the routine may be familiar but there is a shift from parent to teacher, and from teacher back to parent. Playdates involve both changes in routine and attachment figures, but because they are often fairly short, not requiring children to adapt long term, they still fall into the medium category. A parent going out of town is similarly involving both separation and a change in routine, but is temporary.

Large Transitions:

• Weaning, transitioning from a crib to a bed, potty training

• Birth of a sibling

• Moving homes

• Sudden change in care or emergency medical treatment

• Starting school or changing schools

• Loss of a family member or pet

I categorize large transitions as those that involve BOTH the need to adapt to a new set of routines and attachment figures, or relatively permanent shift in the level of closeness and contact with a caregiver (as in the first and second bullet points).

In the case of children experiencing a sudden change in care, or emergency medical treatment, there is not a permanent shift but the abruptness of who is taking charge of the child still puts this into a large transition category. The circumstances surrounding large transitions, in many cases, require just as much adaptation from the parent as the child. For this reason, it’s in every parent’s best interest to practice small and medium transitions so children can rise to the occasion when the larger transitions come.

But there are some roadblocks to children navigating transitions, most of which tend to stem from the drive to become evermore efficient so we can pack in everything required for an “optimal” childhood. As schedules become busy, and margin for error slim, parents may take over most of the work of transitions for their child. Unfortunately when a parent does this it whittles away at children taking an active role in navigating transitions, specifically eroding their initiative and follow through. Or parents may opt for tools (screens, bribes, incentives, etc.) that smooth out the messiness of transitions. While this may be necessary in a pinch, when it becomes standard operating procedure, kids can be woefully unpracticed at authentically moving through transitions. So let’s break down four specific roadblocks in more detail.

The first roadblock to children navigating transitions with awareness seems to be screens. While screens may give the illusion of easing transitions, from the child’s perspective they are often losing the opportunity to integrate changes as they unfold around them or anticipate their next activity. Using screens as a transitional tool from time to time isn’t the end of the world, but when screens become a necessity to get through the day, reliance on them may need to be thoughtfully reduced so children can practice transitioning with awareness as well as moving through any accompanying discomfort. Building a tolerance for moving from one thing to another without distraction is a necessary skill, albeit one that’s diminishing in adults and children alike.

Another roadblock to children moving through transitions is parents who are too good at anticipating their children’s needs. This is where prioritizing efficiency over the child’s active participation can sometimes backfire. While anticipating children’s needs is helpful in moving things along quickly, it carries the risk of putting children in a passive position as they are rushed and handled through transitions, rather than allowing them to experience self-efficacy as they actively move themselves through transitions with some degree of planning, capability and autonomy.

The third roadblock is the opposite of the second, which is that instead of rushing a child through a transition, a parent follows the child’s lead to the point of allowing transitions to be unreasonably protracted. There does need to be some balance in pacing when it comes to moving through transitions. When transitions turn into long, drawn out, distraction-ridden sessions it can actually be overwhelming to the child because they don’t know whether they’re coming or going. In these instances, it’s helpful for the parent to inject some efficiency back into the situation and get everyone back on track. The word transition in itself implies something we move through, not a space we hang out in for longer than needed. We don’t want to rush, as stated before, but we also want to model for children that transitions involve a certain level of momentum and focus.

The final and more subtle roadblock is shying away from transitions altogether, and instead letting one activity spill into the next. As a culture we’ve allowed phones to blur the boundaries regarding when one part of our day ends and another begins. Unfortunately the delusion of being able to do a little of everything at once seems to be trickling down to children. For instance, when a child brings toys to the dinner table, or eats their dinner while playing in the living room, they haven’t truly finished one activity before beginning another. When a parent slips away from a child without saying goodbye, they may be avoiding a transition, on their child’s behalf, that might actually help their child more fully orient to their new environment. When a child drifts off to sleep with a screen entertaining them to their last waking second, they haven’t experienced an end of the day. Avoidance of endings, and overlapping multiple beginnings can lead children to become avoidant of transitions altogether and can also negatively impact their executive functioning over time.

All this said, I understand parents and children need to move through the day with some semblance of sanity remaining intact, so of course there are times when the practical needs to take precedence over the ideal. One of the main reasons I dislike most parenting advice is because it’s often divorced from the practical realities of parenting. So keep in mind that I’ve described these roadblocks in the spirit of observation, rather than in the spirit of admonition.

While helping children navigate smaller transitions head on may not be easy, particularly when distraction, taking over or avoidance appear can be the path of least resistance, in the long run it’s worth it to prime the skills children need for bigger transitions. No matter how much we may try to protect our children from major change, sooner or later life will present circumstances that demand their full presence, awareness, tolerance for discomfort, resilience, capacity to fumble through something new, and willingness to grieve endings and adapt to new beginnings.

The good news is getting children to engage in routine transitions during times of relative stability is all the practice they need to develop traits that will serve them when the big transitions present themselves.

Until next time,

Christine

*I’m considering a Part II to this post with more specifics around supporting children through transitions. If that’s of interest to you, feel free to drop me a note in the comments.