Big Expressions: Where, When and How

Or how I am putting an end to morning jogs

Molly, my six year old, is unequivocally the coolest kid I know. If you can believe it, my other kids can also be heard saying Molly’s the coolest kid they know. She’s just got a different kind of swagger and we collectively marvel at the way she moves through the world. In addition to all her effortless coolness, Molly’s full of tender feelings and big expressions. Oh, and she hates waking up in the morning.

For the last few weeks she’s been particularly unpleasant to wake on school days. She starts fussing before her eyes are open. Once she’s up, her morning routine consists, at least in part, of crying, rolling around on the ground, occasionally throwing a sock or shoe in frustration, not being able to find the backpack that’s laying right in front of her, and finally claiming to have a variety of ailments which should prevent her from going to school altogether. I’m sure this sounds familiar to a great many of you. If not, please know that in all sincerity I am delighted for you. I have three other kids who cooperatively leave the house with minimal intervention, so I have nice a glimpse into that world.

After the morning charade, my husband or I make up for lost time by running Molly and her siblings five blocks up to the school yard to ensure we’re there on time for drop off. Hurried child syndrome be damned! We have no problem showing Molly that when you take time to roll around on the ground fussing in the morning, it takes the possibility of a carefree walk up to school off the table.

Now, one might say this is dismissive of Molly’s big feelings. But Molly’s feelings are always welcome. It’s her big expressions, especially the ones that impact her and her siblings getting to school on time that I am addressing here. The expressions that don’t impact schedules and don’t harm anyone in the house are actually perfectly fine with us. In fact, there was nearly an entire year when Molly cried almost every time we entered our house just because she generally hates transitions. (Helping children through transitions will have to be a whole other post.) We made space for that. We made time for that. Eventually she phased out of the need for those homecoming cries. It’s been so long since she had one that I actually kind of miss them.

See what I mean about the effortless coolness?

But mornings on school days aren’t replete with time and space. As much as my role as a parent is to welcome my children’s feelings, it’s also my role as a parent to prepare my children to live in a world that includes schedules, transitions and expectations of reasonable conduct in certain contexts. So here’s where I will bring in the wisdom of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, brilliant developmental psychologist and co-author of Hold Onto Your Kids. He says teaching children to express their feelings should be somewhat like potty training—feelings need to come out, but the parent should be there to guide the child toward knowing where, when and how it’s appropriate to let those feelings out. In other words express them.

So what might that look like? Well, in our house this week that looked like me running with a fussy Molly to the school yard (siblings jogging alongside) before letting her know that she could let big feelings out at other times of the day, but we were no longer going to allow her morning routine to take up as much time and space as it has been. I basically said, pick another when and where, but mornings on school days are off the table. The next day she left the house cooperatively in the morning, had a leisurely walk to school, and that night she cried like nobody’s business while she did her homework. Expressions moved from the morning to the evening, which works for our family’s set up and gives us more time to offer unhurried support.

This morning, once again she walked up to school with ease. (I have a feeling tonight may not be so easeful, but I’m ready!) Just like potty training, we understand we aren’t necessarily free from the occasional slip here and there. Maybe next week we’ll have some expressions in the morning, but we’ll continue to guide those towards more appropriate parts of the day. Maybe in a month or two we’ll have a major regression and need to offer more support or set some clearer expectations, or a bit of both. As Dr. Neufeld metaphorically points out, feelings need to flow, just like bodily functions, and no one should attempt to stop that altogether. But, when living in a social environment, it helps everyone when those expressions are steered toward appropriate contexts. This is especially important, and appropriate to teach, as children move out of toddlerhood and further into childhood.

Unfortunately, many parents who were frequently told to “knock it off” or “suck it up” when they expressed feelings as a child, may assume any attempt at steering expressions is a form of emotional abandonment. But telling a child to stuff their feelings and letting a child know their big expressions can’t always come out all over the place are two very different things. As children get a bit older, learning the when, where and how of expression becomes the cornerstone of moving gracefully from the egocentric phase of toddlerhood to the more reciprocally social phase of childhood.

Approaches like gentle parenting did some good helping parents see the importance of children’s feelings and allowing room for expression, but where they stopped short was empowering parents to support their child’s increasing awareness of their place within varying contexts and social settings. Parents, myself included, would do well to stay in the tension of the opposites, recognizing both the need to support our individual child and all their big feelings, while also supporting how our children show up as a social creature in the world.

Excuse any typos, but I’ve got to move onto my other ongoing writing project which is my bi-weekly grocery list. And, I kid you not, Molly has summoned me so I can listen to a song she made up called, “I don’t do what you do, I do what I do.” Expression at its finest! With piano accompaniment, no less.

Here’s to finding a time and a place for all those expressions.

Until next time,

Christine

P.S.

Here are links to my recent articles on a few different topics:

Montessori Life, The Fifth Plane of Development: Montessori and Matrescence

Non-Profit Quarterly, Parents are in crisis. A developmental framework can offer support. (co-authored with Dr. Aurélie Athan)

Business Insider, A Montessori approach as an antidote to intensive parenting