Discernment for the win! That is the missing ingredient in many parents’ interpretations of gentle parenting — they follow prescriptive methods rather than weighing their child’s emotions and behaviors on a realistic scale.
Ginny, I love your phrasing--discernment is totally the missing ingredient in the whole gentle parenting interpretation. Without it parents are running themselves into the ground, and kids are running amuck with "big feelings" over things that don't deserve that big energy expenditure.
Gosh, how refreshing!! My attempt at gentle parenting and excessive space holding actually left my child with raging anxiety. It was amazing after I read an interesting book that completely changed my perspective on it all to see how quickly the child in front of me changed. I completely agree as well that it just runs us, as parents, into the ground!
What a beautiful and thought-provoking reflection! It made me wonder if, sometimes, it’s not about the rock—or whatever the object of the moment is—at all. Instead, the conflict might be an outlet for deeper, unspoken emotions like frustration or sadness. The rock becomes the catalyst, not the cause.
In these moments, the real opportunity is to recognize whether the emotions are tied to something deeper. How do we support the release of those feelings while guiding children—or ourselves—through the process of emotional regulation? It's a delicate balance between validation and discernment.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is hold space for those emotions, even if they’re misdirected at something trivial. By helping children release what they’re feeling, we honor their emotional process while maintaining the grounded perspective needed to navigate life sustainably.
I appreciate your thoughtful reflection, Michael. However the suggestions in your comment, as well as the warm and fuzzy ideals pushed forth by gentle parenting proponents-- that it's a parent's job, especially a mother's, to uncover the hidden, deeper, unspoken emotions behind every single expression from a child--have become one of the more detrimental blows to the mental health of parents today. Essentially, the gentle parenting movement has sent parents on a fool's errand to "hold space" for every misdirected and trivial emotion. And while it may sound nice in theory, the practical application of such a lofty approach leaves parents depleted and quite frankly, doesn't leave children better off (because those children's parents are depleted).
Something that is sorely overlooked in today's thinking about parenting is that children can express and release emotions without a parent hyper-attuning to the process, particularly if it's over a small upset.
Try doing this all the time. It’s silly and not sustainable. Try doing this if you have 4 kids. Or if you just came home from your workplace. It’s bizarre and ridiculous. Be kind to your kids and model getting over stuff. Don’t overthink.
Came to the comments to see if anyone had brought up this perspective.
I totally agree that sometimes it’s an opportunity to see underlying issues with your kids, but I also wonder if other times, it really does just come down to them needing an adult to step in and move them along.
Really love this balance between curiosity and discernment, something surely not parent gets right 100% of the time but that’s the job we signed up for!
I’m not sure why this is being taken to the extreme of “try doing this all the time“ but I guess it is what it is. You could literally say that about any thing ever: parenting, dieting, meditating, exercising, you name it. Try distracting your kids and moving on anytime they have a problem ALL THE TIME. I’m sure some people pick a dogma and run with it, read one book and base their whole way of life around it, but I doubt many of us do that. I’m not a gentle parenting priest, haven’t read any gentle parenting books, and am just doing my best as a dad with three kids and runs business and do what I can when I can if I can. Sometimes things work for me and my family. That ok? We do what feels right for us, we do what makes sense given our circumstances on any given day. And what I’m saying is, and this goes to your point Christine about not hyper-attuning to emotions, there is something that has worked for me that I don’t do all the time, but sometimes when I have the time, space and bandwidth. It’s been great for me and my family. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. Don’t try to understand it if you don’t want to. Life is a mix of all the things. Mix it in in your own way or don’t. One way to say it is I hold space for my children’s emotions. Meaning, I let them have the emotion. Let them get it out. I don’t judge it as trivial or anything else, I just let them feel what they are feeling until they are done feeling it. I’ve also heard it called stay listening. Once the feeling has gotten out they move on and they’ve had one more opportunity to work something out as they need to. For me, personally, it’s now easy to do and it’s not exhausting. I’m not trying to understand where the feeling or emotion is coming from because what do I know? I don’t know where my feelings are coming from most of the time. Now, when my kids have big feelings, they know they can get them out without judgment when the time is right. They still have boundaries and they can’t just melt down whenever they feel like it, there’s a time and a place. And they can move through these things on their own now. My hope is they aren’t suppressing these feelings like I did.
Short & brilliant. Emotions are important tools for gauging (our reaction to) the world but they’re not entirely reliable. The skill and ability to tell when and where our emotions are failing us (and pointing to something important inside us — that perhaps we need to change or take charge of) vs pointing to an actual fault with the world is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give to our kids.
Phew, loved this story. And yes, emotions are real and important - but also come in different intensities. And some intensities, like soft or medium, are probably some the kids can cope with themselves - and other, intense and overwhelming, we'd need to support them. Does that make sense?
Makes total sense. It also brings us right back to the importance of discernment and trusting that we can tell the difference between what expressions need our support and what can run their course without a lot of fanfare.
I learned in Lisa Feldman Barrets's book "How Emotions are made" that the simple task of enhancing our emotional vocabulary and therefore naming our emotions can help us working with them. And as a Dynamic Emotional Integration trainer I's suggest it's because then the emotion knows we're "on it" and therefore can calm down.
So when I can help a kid discern if it's anger or sadness they are feeling (just one example), this alone will help with the next steps. And when they learn that they can name emotions all by themselves this can be very empowering for their everyday life.
Awww Penny with her Puppy! So beautiful. I try and practice gentle parenting but with situations like the rock fiasco I would just take the rock away from them both because it’s just insanity isn’t it?!
It can absolutely turn into mayhem if every big expression is treated like an actual big feeling. But Penny and Puppy, yes indeed, such a beautiful example of how deeply children can feel. 🥰 Thanks for your thoughtful read, Ellie!
I'm so happy to know the occasional lucky potato was getting the same love in your house. 🥰 And a butternut squash, yes! One of my favorite children's books is Sophie's Squash, about a girl who dearly loves a butternut squash:).
As a therapist your post perks my curiosity. So many follow up questions! 😄 Thanks for sharing your thoughts and leaving me with some rich soil for consideration.
Discernment for the win! That is the missing ingredient in many parents’ interpretations of gentle parenting — they follow prescriptive methods rather than weighing their child’s emotions and behaviors on a realistic scale.
Ginny, I love your phrasing--discernment is totally the missing ingredient in the whole gentle parenting interpretation. Without it parents are running themselves into the ground, and kids are running amuck with "big feelings" over things that don't deserve that big energy expenditure.
Gosh, how refreshing!! My attempt at gentle parenting and excessive space holding actually left my child with raging anxiety. It was amazing after I read an interesting book that completely changed my perspective on it all to see how quickly the child in front of me changed. I completely agree as well that it just runs us, as parents, into the ground!
Oo which book? I need more perspective!
What a beautiful and thought-provoking reflection! It made me wonder if, sometimes, it’s not about the rock—or whatever the object of the moment is—at all. Instead, the conflict might be an outlet for deeper, unspoken emotions like frustration or sadness. The rock becomes the catalyst, not the cause.
In these moments, the real opportunity is to recognize whether the emotions are tied to something deeper. How do we support the release of those feelings while guiding children—or ourselves—through the process of emotional regulation? It's a delicate balance between validation and discernment.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is hold space for those emotions, even if they’re misdirected at something trivial. By helping children release what they’re feeling, we honor their emotional process while maintaining the grounded perspective needed to navigate life sustainably.
I appreciate your thoughtful reflection, Michael. However the suggestions in your comment, as well as the warm and fuzzy ideals pushed forth by gentle parenting proponents-- that it's a parent's job, especially a mother's, to uncover the hidden, deeper, unspoken emotions behind every single expression from a child--have become one of the more detrimental blows to the mental health of parents today. Essentially, the gentle parenting movement has sent parents on a fool's errand to "hold space" for every misdirected and trivial emotion. And while it may sound nice in theory, the practical application of such a lofty approach leaves parents depleted and quite frankly, doesn't leave children better off (because those children's parents are depleted).
Something that is sorely overlooked in today's thinking about parenting is that children can express and release emotions without a parent hyper-attuning to the process, particularly if it's over a small upset.
Sometimes the best thing to do is distract and move on. Hold space for what? Seriously this is not gentle it’s exhausting.
Try doing this all the time. It’s silly and not sustainable. Try doing this if you have 4 kids. Or if you just came home from your workplace. It’s bizarre and ridiculous. Be kind to your kids and model getting over stuff. Don’t overthink.
🙌
Came to the comments to see if anyone had brought up this perspective.
I totally agree that sometimes it’s an opportunity to see underlying issues with your kids, but I also wonder if other times, it really does just come down to them needing an adult to step in and move them along.
Really love this balance between curiosity and discernment, something surely not parent gets right 100% of the time but that’s the job we signed up for!
I’m not sure why this is being taken to the extreme of “try doing this all the time“ but I guess it is what it is. You could literally say that about any thing ever: parenting, dieting, meditating, exercising, you name it. Try distracting your kids and moving on anytime they have a problem ALL THE TIME. I’m sure some people pick a dogma and run with it, read one book and base their whole way of life around it, but I doubt many of us do that. I’m not a gentle parenting priest, haven’t read any gentle parenting books, and am just doing my best as a dad with three kids and runs business and do what I can when I can if I can. Sometimes things work for me and my family. That ok? We do what feels right for us, we do what makes sense given our circumstances on any given day. And what I’m saying is, and this goes to your point Christine about not hyper-attuning to emotions, there is something that has worked for me that I don’t do all the time, but sometimes when I have the time, space and bandwidth. It’s been great for me and my family. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. Don’t try to understand it if you don’t want to. Life is a mix of all the things. Mix it in in your own way or don’t. One way to say it is I hold space for my children’s emotions. Meaning, I let them have the emotion. Let them get it out. I don’t judge it as trivial or anything else, I just let them feel what they are feeling until they are done feeling it. I’ve also heard it called stay listening. Once the feeling has gotten out they move on and they’ve had one more opportunity to work something out as they need to. For me, personally, it’s now easy to do and it’s not exhausting. I’m not trying to understand where the feeling or emotion is coming from because what do I know? I don’t know where my feelings are coming from most of the time. Now, when my kids have big feelings, they know they can get them out without judgment when the time is right. They still have boundaries and they can’t just melt down whenever they feel like it, there’s a time and a place. And they can move through these things on their own now. My hope is they aren’t suppressing these feelings like I did.
Short & brilliant. Emotions are important tools for gauging (our reaction to) the world but they’re not entirely reliable. The skill and ability to tell when and where our emotions are failing us (and pointing to something important inside us — that perhaps we need to change or take charge of) vs pointing to an actual fault with the world is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give to our kids.
Thank you, Reena! And I love you're beautiful phrasing of this all important distinction. ❤️
Phew, loved this story. And yes, emotions are real and important - but also come in different intensities. And some intensities, like soft or medium, are probably some the kids can cope with themselves - and other, intense and overwhelming, we'd need to support them. Does that make sense?
Makes total sense. It also brings us right back to the importance of discernment and trusting that we can tell the difference between what expressions need our support and what can run their course without a lot of fanfare.
I learned in Lisa Feldman Barrets's book "How Emotions are made" that the simple task of enhancing our emotional vocabulary and therefore naming our emotions can help us working with them. And as a Dynamic Emotional Integration trainer I's suggest it's because then the emotion knows we're "on it" and therefore can calm down.
So when I can help a kid discern if it's anger or sadness they are feeling (just one example), this alone will help with the next steps. And when they learn that they can name emotions all by themselves this can be very empowering for their everyday life.
Yup! The tried and true "name it to tame it" can be a useful tool.
ALL OF THIS 👏🏾
🥰🙏
Awww Penny with her Puppy! So beautiful. I try and practice gentle parenting but with situations like the rock fiasco I would just take the rock away from them both because it’s just insanity isn’t it?!
It can absolutely turn into mayhem if every big expression is treated like an actual big feeling. But Penny and Puppy, yes indeed, such a beautiful example of how deeply children can feel. 🥰 Thanks for your thoughtful read, Ellie!
Well said! We have also had a potato we loved in my house. And a butternut squash.
I'm so happy to know the occasional lucky potato was getting the same love in your house. 🥰 And a butternut squash, yes! One of my favorite children's books is Sophie's Squash, about a girl who dearly loves a butternut squash:).
As a therapist your post perks my curiosity. So many follow up questions! 😄 Thanks for sharing your thoughts and leaving me with some rich soil for consideration.
I'm truly grateful for your curiosity. ❤️
I could not love this more! Penny! Puppy! So many hard places.
So many indeed! Penny, my full feeling girl, and Puppy really melt my heart<3 Fighting over rocks, not so much;)