Passing Kids Off (Transitions Part III)
Using “matchmaking” to help kids form new attachments
How I’ve missed you all! I’ve been going full steam ahead with wrapping up the end of my school year. Coinciding with that our family had some curveballs come our way. Still, I want to see this series on transitions through. I’ll have one final post on this topic in the next couple weeks in which I’ll tackle life’s big transitions. For now that topic is just a bit too fresh, so I’ll give it some time. BUT, I’ve got a good one for you today that may help your children as they potentially meet new camp counselors, caregivers or teachers. Here goes:
Last spring my husband and I were hanging on by our fingernails after several weeks of intense togetherness with the kids. It finally worked out for us to have our beloved babysitter come by for a chunk of hours on a Saturday and we were eager to get out of the house to come up for air. Before venturing out of the area, we stopped off at a coffee shop. Lattes in hand, we decided we’d make a daytrip up to Tarrytown, NY to fit in lunch and a hike. Two miles onto the highway we got a call from our babysitter that our then three year old had a bad fall on her scooter and was bleeding a lot from her head (she’s fine, by the way!). I knew our babysitter well enough to know this was not an overreaction and we needed to turn right around. We took the next exit. Our lattes went cold in their cupholders as plans for the day abruptly changed.
When we got home Penny had a gnarly injury to her forehead and the other kids were shaken up. So was our babysitter for that matter. I found out that she was indeed wearing her helmet but she was racing a sibling (who will remain unnamed!) who ended up pushing her into a low brick retaining wall that clipped her right underneath the helmet. I would have to explain this incident many more times in the ER, so it was important I had the details.
We left the three older kids with our babysitter and brought Penny to the ER to get stitched up.
OK, now onto how this relates to transitions. On the way to the ER with an injured kid a parent has a couple options. They can try to flood their child with information about what might happen, or they can warm them up to the idea that where they are going has competent people ready to care for them. I took the latter option. Thankfully I’ve only had two ER trips to practice this, but it’s worked both times. Gordon Neufeld calls this “matchmaking” and it is the single best piece of transition advice I’ve ever heard when it comes time to hand over care to someone outside the child’s attachment village.
The basic idea is that children’s attachments go through their primary attachment (usually the parent), so if I want my kids to like someone and be comfortable in their care, I need to model for them how much I like that person and trust their competence. In the event of going to the ER, I obviously don’t know who we’re going to see, but I can still relay my confidence in their ability to care for my hurt kid.
On the drive I stayed in the backseat with Penny, tending to her injury and holding her hand. She didn’t ask any questions so we were mostly quiet, but as we got close to the ER I said something to the effect of, “Penny, I’ve got a good friend at the place we’re going and he’s (lucky guess on the gender of the plastic surgeon) really, really good at fixing these types of booboos for kids.” That’s it. Turns out that was enough.
After some hours of waiting at the ER, the plastic surgeon finally walked in and I said, “Penny, here’s our friend!” and he played right along responding, “Yes, I am your friend! Hello friend! Let’s see if we can fix you up today” The stitches went smoothly and off we went on our merry way to get mac and cheese and a toy, cause that’s standard of care in our family after a trip to the ER.
For the sake of being entirely realistic about how well this might work for you, I should add that Penny is remarkably trusting, perhaps because she’s a fourth kid and often has to go with the flow. This wouldn’t work so well for all kids, and in fact when we came home from the hospital my oldest child told me that the only way she’d get stiches is if she were pinned down by ten people. Maybe she’s not soothed by matchmaking, but she sure is self aware!
While a trip to the ER is extreme example, the approach of matchmaking works in all instances where children are being passed off to new caregivers of any kind. The topic seems relevant as
the school year wraps up and kids go off to various camps. Rather than flooding kids with details about their activities and schedules, you may want to try to warm them up to the people who will be handling their care with a little matchmaking. Prime their relationship with the adults who are going to care for them, rather than trying to prime their enthusiasm about the activities they’ll be doing. Hopefully they’ll come to love both.
Until next time,
Christine
Ooohhhh I like this! I remember getting similar advice at an infant Montessori class and applied it to when we tried to introduce a nanny a few times a week. I stayed for a number of first visits so that my daughter could see she was a “friend” — however, when we tried to start some part time daycare, this option was hard to do, and it quickly descended into an anxious experience for both us. Your post has made me think about how to do this better. Thanks for sharing such helpful posts Christine! And glad your daughter is okay!